Words and dreams and a million screams...|
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
The Focus of Content is Never Changed's LiveJournal:
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|Tuesday, September 25th, 2007|
|Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at
Well I haven't updated this in quite some time and I don't want to delete it so I should probably say something.
I moved to Florida about a month ago to start at ucf. It's going ok. School is a lot of work but I like it. I love learning all these new things and it makes it exciting and it challenges me to do well, go to class every day and study. I am definetely motivated to do good and it makes me feel like i'm doing something important other than sitting at a desk for 40 hours a week like I did the last 5 years. I really really want to be an fbi agent so I have my eyes on the prize, now it's just a matter of working hard and being patient and getting there.
I've met some cool people so far. I like my roommates and my house is bad ass. I bought a bike so I ride that to campus a lot. I joined an im flag football and basketball team. I bought a meal plan for campus so I eat (somewhat) better. I'm seeing Pinback this week, Minus the Bear next month and Tegan and Sara in November.
I told a friend a while ago I had started to like them and I think that ruined our friendship because she hasn't really talked to me since then. And that's ok that she doesn't like me like that. Even though she says it's because she just wants to be single (which I think is just a nice way of saying no, not interested) but she still goes out on dates so that confuses me. I knew she didn't like me but I felt I should say something because I'm trying more to get in the habit of saying things that are on my mind. This has worked out so far with mixed results as I've said some things to people that haven't gone over well but at least I can find solace in the fact that I said what I was thinking rather than holding back. But anyway, I really wish I hadn't said anything because now I just feel like she doesn't want to be friends. And that sucks.
But other than that, things are well. I keep to myself a lot of the time but I keep busy. I miss a lot of my friends back home and I still miss big city life. But I'll have it again someday I hope. For now, I will continue to just focus and take things as they come.
Oh, and I turn 28 on Friday.
|Tuesday, July 31st, 2007|
|Tuesday, July 24th, 2007|
|Tuesday, June 5th, 2007|
I was reading through my old posts today. And I sound like a fucking idiot in some of them.
I've definetely matured since college, even though it feels like college just happened yesterday.
11 days, 8 1/2 hours without smoking. Not that anyone's counting or anything.
|Thursday, May 31st, 2007|
|5 days, 1 hour, 27 minutes
it's going ok. it's really tough sometimes but i'm making my way through it and i'm proud of myself. i hope it continues.
about 2 months until i leave for school. getting really excited/anxious/nervous to go. got most of my loans figured out. still no housing out.
things with alison are good. i only see her a few times a week but i like that and she always makes me happy when i'm with her.
hey amy, respond to my comments dood. i take the time out of my day to write them on yours, if you want to be my friend, you need to take the time also to write me back. i dont get how you just randomly pop in every few months, write me a message, and then when i write to you, you never respond. it makes me feel like all the time i spent with you means nothing. sorry if that seems rude, but that's just how i feel.
seeing tortoise and tegan and sara this summer. those events i'm really looking forward to. spent a week in orlando a few weeks ago with randy and that was great but now he's mad at me because i told him he drives like a woman. maybe going to south carolina in august also. softball is going really well also, even though i'm playing like crap.
i don't know if anybody really reads this anymore. Current Mood: anxious
|Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007|
|Sunday, March 11th, 2007|
Well, not too much is new
I still live at home
I spend most of my time waiting to leave and start school
I see my friends every so often and it's nice when I do
I work a job I can't stand
and I get mad when people beat me online at college hoops 2k7 on Xbox 360.
|Thursday, March 1st, 2007|
|Tuesday, December 12th, 2006|
"What does that mean know me, know me, nobody ever knows anybody else, ever! You will never know me."
I've been thinking about that line a lot actually. And the more I think about it, the more it's true. People I've thought were a certain person just changed in an instant and were not who I thought they were, especially recently. They just turn out to only really deep down care about themselves when it comes down to it. I'm just not like that, I care about my friends and people I'm with. I don't take things for granted like some people I know.
I only think I really truly "know" about 3 of my friends. Mike, Brian and Johny.
|Monday, December 4th, 2006|
|More tattoo work
Got the root done in November and the bird and trees done in December. Almost there!
|Wednesday, November 29th, 2006|
scratch that last one. i don't know why i thought that.
|Tuesday, November 21st, 2006|
so let's see what's new:
- work is going ok. i like it sometimes, sometimes i don't. like lex said it's a good job, so i am grateful i have it. i just don't know what to do. the only thing i know is that i don't want to be here come august. i am still thinking about school, and i would love to do forensics. the only thing is that i have to go to school in florida, state doesnt offer an undergrad program for it so i can't go there and florida is the only other state i can get in state tuition in. i still may look at moving back to chicago since i miss it there a lot. or seattle or san diego. but i would have to have job interviews lined up, then fly out there and hope for the best during them. and there's no gaurantee i will even get them. plus, id get to live in a great city but i'd be stuck in mortgage, which i know i don't want to do. so it looks like school is the front runner right now. it was the whole reason i moved back home and that is my plan so far. like i said, i just want out of the suburbs. that's why i miss chicago. it's not so much the city itself, it's life in a big city that i miss.
- we got a new dog. i hate it.
- found out some exciting news regarding one of my best friends.
- state basketball has started again.
- i have a new addiction tv show: top chef
- long post time:
the girl i mentioned that might possibly like me ended up liking me for about a month and a half. and i spent almost every single day with her. and she was exciting and i felt comfortable with her and i was really happy that i founded someone i liked and i thought liked me (as much as she'd allow herself too). lext didn't want to get serious and that was ok with me. i didn't push her on the issue and i was excited i got to take her out to dinner and she took me shopping and bought me a whole new wardrobe and i got comfortable with being there pretty much everday and i thought that she wanted me there. i always knew it probably wouldn't last, but i was keeping my hopes up. it's hard being in a relationship where you don't know where you stand. i don't do good with those.
anyway, last wednesday i came over to bring her cigarettes because she was stressing about other things in her life. she sat me down in her room and said basically this "i can't handle us right now." i realize she has a lot of things going on in her life and she told me along she didnt want something to get serious and that's the direction we were heading in and i know that scared her because it's not what she wanted. i still slept there thursday and friday because i felt i could deal with it better being there than being at home and stewing about it and feeling sorry for myself. i told her to call me saturday night and she didn't. and i didn't talk to her all of sunday and that was my first day in like 6 weeks without any contact from her and that kinda bumed me out. we e mailed each other back and forth on monday and i was doing pretty ok. i talked to her late late night and i did something really stupid and i don't know why i did. i told her that i missed her. and she replied "well, the last few days have been nice". meaning the days that i wasn't with her. and i totally lost it. i just felt it was so unnecessary to say because lex knows how hard this is for me. on one hand i really want to be her friend, but how is it supposed to make me feel when she says something like to me. or when she talks about other guys she's dated and says that those things a few of them have are the things she wants if she has a relationship, and it makes it sounds like i don't have those things. even though i try to be as nice to her as i can. and it confuses me. a lot. she told me previously she just wanted a break from things, but now it sounds like it was things i did. was i annoying? boring? was i too clinging? did she even feel something for me or was i just someone to be there? i just don't understand how you can want a person to be with you every day and then say things like "we were spending too much time together." she was the one who asked me to be there! i never asked anything of her and i always tried to be as nice to her as i could. i was always there for her when she needed me and i never used that against her and if she wanted alone time to hang out with her friends, i totally would have given it to her. she told me last night that she's been able to see friends she hasn't seen in a month since she's been with me. but the thing is is that i never would have stoped her if she wanted to go hang out with people and not hang out with me for a night. i didn't try to be controling.
it just sucks. i had a lot of hope for it because it was something i really wanted with someone i really liked. at least i had it for a little while. i just wonder if there's things i could have done differently. i am really trying to be her friend, but it's so hard to talk to her because some things are the same, and some things are totally different. it just felt like last night she didn't really care if i was in her life.
and i'm not saying these things to try and hurt her. i try not to do that anymore in a situation like this because i would maybe eventually like to be her friend, but it's rare i'm capable of that, especially since i had such strong feelings for her. all i want to do now is just go back to how things were when i see her. i would like to resume what we had once lex gets her stuff sorted out if she feels something for me. she knows what i can give her and what i'd be willing to do. but there's nothing i can do more than just tell her how i feel and if she's ever ready again, then i'll be here.
it's not like this is the first time it's ever happened to me, i'll get over it in time. it just sucks. i miss being with her an awful lot. like i said, i hope that once she feels better with her life, she'd be willing to try us again. because i think she did like what we were for a while and i thought we were good for each other. it'd be nice to have that again someday. if not, there's other fish in the sea. this one just wasn't meant to be caught right now.
|Thursday, November 16th, 2006|
|Top 10 Celebrities
Since stacy did hers and i discussed this with lex a few weeks ago (although she disagree with almost all of it because she has bad taste in women), i'm going to do mine:( Top 10Collapse )
|Monday, November 6th, 2006|
|waiting for my turn to speak
even when things are going good in pretty much all aspects of my life, it's always complicated. never changes.
such is my life. Current Mood: confused
|Monday, October 2nd, 2006|
|I'm still here!
so since our system is down today at work, and i haven't updated this in forever. i believe it's time for an update.
i finally got a job in june. for a mortgage company in farmington hills. doing something pretty similar to what i was doing in chicago. and it's ok. there are things i like, things i dislike. it pays the bills and it allows me to save money and have money to go out and do things, so it's more than i can ask for.
still planing on school, but at this point, my only goal is to get out of michigan in a year. whether that takes me to school, back to chicago, seattle maybe, or somewhere else, i'll be happy.
i just want something with my life i can be proud of.
it was my birthday on thursday. 27 now. thursday was birthday dinner with mike and brain at amicis. great pizza. probably the best in detroit.
friday was my softball game. 5-5, 3 rbis, one run. i should be starting for the tigers.
saturday was birthday party at the wab. lex, will, bill, brian, katie, ben, steve, randy and his friend, whitney, will and his girlfriend were all in attendance. many drinks, will and his gf having a falling out in front of us, lex's cleavage, and bill bonds.
living at home is ok. it's depressing and tough sometimes. but i do like my parents and they're really helping me out allowing me to save so much money before i leave. it's a tough situation, but i have to do it.
the ladies, as usual, are always there. but never for long. mabye i'm too picky. i always find the things i don't like about someone and those always get in the way.
there's a girl i've been spending a lot of time with who i have really started liking. but i can't tell if she likes me or not. maybe i'll just bite the bullet and ask her. we'll see.
i hope everyone is well, i still read everyone's entries. i just don't have many friends on here as before.
|Saturday, May 6th, 2006|
|Sunday, February 26th, 2006|
|Friday, February 3rd, 2006|
+ i get to see mike, steve, and brian
+ i get to see my dad and my dog
+ i go out more often then i did in chicago
+ don't have to pay rent, spend less money on food
+ i'll be in a band again
+ i can still do my walks
- i am having the hardest time finding a job, not even starbucks would call me back
- i'm really bored being at home all day
- i'm starting to regret my decision
- i miss living in a big city
- it's hard meeting new people at this age
- i'm smoking more
- i'm getting really depressed
"and she don't hold me right, she's never gonna get me there. not tonight." Current Mood: reflective
|Friday, January 27th, 2006|
|Wednesday, January 18th, 2006|